Miscellaneous Rumbles

Your smile for the day.

1

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret At age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda' bought a new hat."

7

One, ahem......up vote

8

Margaret always did have a good sense of humor.

10

Sounds like somebody I know haha. Thanks Dave.

14

Then there was the old farmer who found himself playing a version of the Newlywed Game on a cruise ship, pitting recently-married couples against those with a lifetime of seasons behind them.

The husbands were asked “Your wife calls you on your cell phone while you’re in town and asks you to pick her up a new bra, but loses connection before giving you a size. What size do you buy?”

Old guy seems to have no idea how bras are even calibrated, is prompted by the MC to use numbers and letters. He finally comes up with “44 long?”

15

Dang, Proteus. heh heh

That sounds like the old woman that wanted to commit suicide, and wanted to make sure it worked the first time, but was unsure about how to do it, so she called her doctor, who naturally tried to talk her out of it, but when he saw that she was determined, he told her to place the gun about an inch below her left nipple. A short time later, the doc got a call from the ER that one of his patients was there with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

16

he told her to place the gun about an inch below her left nipple.

Geez, what kind of doctor's experience would yield such a specific vertical coordinate?

17

A guy is in the cue to get into heaven and St. Pete asks him what good deeds he has done to earn entrance. Guy says that he saved a woman's life. The story goes; "I saw some mean looking bikers slapping a woman and tearing her clothes off, so I pushed one of the bikes over and urinated on it to distract them. Then when the bike's owner came up to me I punched him in the nose as hard as I could." St Pete asks, "Well, that is certainly brave and noble of you. When did you do this?" The guy says, "about five minutes ago."

18

Man, short line! I waited 3 hours to get on a cruise ship.

19

Ruth was at the family doctor's for her yearly physical. The physician was an old family friend as well as their physician. After pronouncing her healthy, he asked Ruth about her husband, who hadn't been in for a while. "How's Jim doing?" She replied, "Oh he's fine. But lately he hasn't ... well, let's just say that he hasn't had the wherewithal to do it all." The doctor sighed and said, "Just have Jim come in and see me, I'll write him a prescription for Viagra and he'll be as good as new. Many of my patients use it as they are getting on it years. It really is quite effective." Ruth looked at him and said, "He won't do it. He won't admit to you that he has a problem. He won't even admit to himself that he has a problem." The doctor shook his head. "Pride is a terrible thing. Ruth, I'll tell you what we will do. I'll write the scrip and you go have it filled. In the morning, grind one of them up and slip it in his morning coffee. It will start to work and he will think it is only nature taking its course. Problem solved" Ruth said, "That sounds easy enough. I can do that." The doctor ran into Ruth a couple of weeks later and asked whether their plan had worked. She replied, "Doctor, I am so mad about that I can't see straight!" He looked at her and said, "What happened, did you grind it up like I told you?" She responded, "I ground it up, put it in his morning coffee and pretty soon it must have taken effect. He grabbed me, threw me on the table and rips off my clothes. He then rips off his own clothes and in a moment we're acting like a couple of newlyweds." The doctor then stated, "Well what's the problem? I thought that was what you wanted." She said, "You don't understand, Doc. They've banned us from McDonald's for life!"

20

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." Said Bob. "Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

25

Hate it when that happens.


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