Miscellaneous Rumbles

RIP Anthony Bourdain

26

...and he commits suicide...in the middle of filming a TV episode in France?? Does that seem a bit strange to anyone besides me?

– Rhythmisking

I tend to agree with you...I was thinking more like Michael Hutchence from INXS and the French are being kind...

27

The first time I’ve heard his name is when he died.

I keep hearing all these potential reasons why he took his life and depression seems to be what everyone is chasing. I’m thinking he didn’t want to do it anymore, just tired of being what he created perhaps. In for the long sleep which affects loved ones not the person sleeping.

28

After reading more, and watching some retrospective stuff on tv, I'm not convinced it was suicide. Or at least not suicide for the reason that is being reported (depression.)

Just one example: he, in recent years, was more about culture, justice, bringing awareness to corrupt governments around the world and what they are doing to their people- he was all about the PEOPLE. He went to Russia and talked with Putin's #1 "enemy-of-the-state" (basically a guy leading the anti-communist anti-putin movement), who gave his version of what's REALLY going on there on a street level. A month later, he was assassinated.

Similar in Iran: he talked to a couple who gave the REAL story of real-life-for-the-people of that country, and they were thrown in prison.

If I knew I was partly to blame for stuff like that, I'd feel pretty awful. I don't think I'd kill myself, but I would at least retire from the business. But Bourdain, in recent years, had turned into a bit of a crusader, under the guise of a "food show".

29

Another thing, once you can buy all your dreams what’s left?

30

Playing on stage with Brian Setzer....

31

Ruger - I agree 100% and as a person who lost 2 family members to suicide, I know some things about the possibilities behind it. One, Anthony seemed to be an impulsive act. Members of the show's crew said he was exhausted with the filming schedule. Another thing is that there may have been problems with his girlfriend.

Hours before he died, his girlfriend posted a rather mean spirited message towards someone specific.....it doesn't say who but she wrote "you know who you are". Also, an Italian photographer had posted many hours before pics of his girlfriend holding hands and then hugging a French reporter in Rome. She was not with Anthony as she had been the previous shows.

Luckily the American who was put in prison in Iran was released after 18 months but yes Ruger, I definitely see your point.

I just think many things point to an impulsive act that very likely is a bad reaction to what he felt was a heart-wrenching event.

32

NJDevil,

I can see all that... but it baffles me how someone can make it ALL THE WAY TO 61, dealing with this kind of crap the whole time (and he was a fighter, who almost seemed to enjoy conflict, to a degree... almost as if, "if things are going to well, something's wrong" kind of thinking)... how do you make it 61 years w/o breaking? This wasn't his 1st girlfriend, or his 1st exhaustion, or his 1st anything. That's what I don't understand.

But then, I can't pretend to understand that kind of clinical depression. As I said, I've been depressed before- even for months- but I have never had a single thought of considering suicide.

And my sympathies for you family issues on that. I have lost family members, but not to suicide. I can only imagine the confusion, the lack of closure, because you don't KNOW WHY, that must be awful.

I hope you make it up to Grumpfest at the end of the month, it would be good to see you.

33

NJDevil,

I can see all that... but it baffles me how someone can make it ALL THE WAY TO 61, dealing with this kind of crap the whole time (and he was a fighter, who almost seemed to enjoy conflict, to a degree... almost as if, "if things are going to well, something's wrong" kind of thinking)... how do you make it 61 years w/o breaking? This wasn't his 1st girlfriend, or his 1st exhaustion, or his 1st anything. That's what I don't understand.

But then, I can't pretend to understand that kind of clinical depression. As I said, I've been depressed before- even for months- but I have never had a single thought of considering suicide.

And my sympathies for you family issues on that. I have lost family members, but not to suicide. I can only imagine the confusion, the lack of closure, because you don't KNOW WHY, that must be awful.

I hope you make it up to Grumpfest at the end of the month, it would be good to see you.

– ruger9

You know Ruger, I've given it a lot of thought. I know a lot about depression......not because I am clinically depressed but because my grandmother hung herself and her son shot himself (but that was an impulsive "I'll show you" moment in the heat of an argument for him). And then who really knows what my mom's brother was suffering internally.

Depression is tricky. I think clinical depression has many forms. The first being physical....a chemical imbalance. The next? Maybe a series of factors. With Anthony, it might've just developed and became a part of his being....troubles of the past, loneliness on the road, "demons" known only to him. And then there's Bi-polar Disorder which is maybe the same thing....if only the medical community could work harder. And they are.

I'll bring this back to me for second. I developed panic attacks early in high school....I was like Kenny from Southpark- normal -- something makes me nervous -- then the feeling gets out of control -- puke -- repeat. However as I got older, "IT" got darker. I knew it was not normal. It was so different than being nervous - playing in golf tournaments? I got nervous just like everyone else and by the 2nd hole it was down to business. Same with singing and playing a gig. Mine was something triggered by a feeling of social inadequacy....that's my theory and for good reason. I was born with 2 clubbed feet and to this day, Salvador Dali's imagination could not have created a painting for it. Embarrassing, surgeries, painful....all of the above and then some. So called Type "A" personalities are more prone panic/anxiety disorder also and I know of many professional athletes suffer from it in varying degrees.

However, the panic attacks got worse with age and developed into what psychiatrists call "Anxiety Disorder". OK, "IT" has a name and it's more severe. Doc, what can you do about it? Since mental illness really hasn't been addressed until recently, nothing. Doctors understand how chemicals work in and for the brain....natural stuff. There is medicine that can address it, BUT.....it's like throwing darts at a board and believe me when I tell you doctors don't know diddley and I've seen the best of neurologists (OK, that was because of a head injury from a mugging in '01 but still...).

I'm persistent, maybe lucky because I am competitive and stubborn. I want answers. I took a "hey Doc, I'll partner with you and we'll figure this out" Doctors don't want a partner so my input was rebuked. Me? "You'll listen to my input and like it dammit because my living in this world is at stake here so shut the "F" up and listen to what I have to say while you enjoy playing golf every Wednesday with my co-pay. The result? We have it narrowed down to 3 possibilities and GAMMA-AMINOBUTYRIC ACID (GABA) is the root cause.

It is a neurotransmitter and greatly influences the nervous system.

It gets technical from here but just understand that in the simplest form, the root cause of my ailment is physical....not a broken leg needing a splint, but not so different either. External factors can trigger and make it worse. OK. If that's true, then what can I do proactively to make it better? Many things and I do it. Some help? Xanax worked but was not sustainable. No I did not get high, I just took it to get to a normal baseline....you know, live life without shutting down and throwing up. It helped but I do not take it anymore.

They shoved Paxil at me. "Hey Doc? Screw that and do better" Paxil changes brain chemistry and eventually one has to come off of it and doing so creates another hell. No thank you, never took it.....next? Seroquel was prescribed. Mmmmm. What's this crap? More of the same....no thanks. Klonopin has greatly helped and I use it. But what am I doing to help? Many things including weightlifting, playing music, cooking and reading.....I have athirst for knowledge and question everything.

By the way, Klonopin falls in the same classification as Xanax. It is a benzodiazepine. I regulate it. Get tough dammit. On weekends, I cut back, stay active and life is pretty cool.

My point? My conclusion? If I let it, I could've fallen into a clinical depression that many with the disorder succumb to. Many do not leave their house. Not me brother. Not only am I not depressed, I would very much welcome living for a few hundred years. There's is too much to explore. My take is a that I have been blessed to be in this existence on a planet, whose very existence as we know it, is an exact recipe of creation with the odds of it having happened being miniscule.

So with that, I live life and every day has a feeling of a bit of adventure...secrecy, promise, good and bad, and a million other things. Life is a gift. I consider myself lucky. I want to share my luck and do so by working with veterans who have been seriously injured in battle. I tell them "You got to know a world of normal before your leg was blown off....now look at my legs and tell me what you think." Most vets are horrified. What I have are ugly and it is natural......but functional and I worked hard to beat the odds here to! Painful, but natural and a bomb or bullet did not do it. Many get the point immediately and then they are able to transfer to the next step.

Falling down the spiraling rabbit hole would've been easy. Getting to where I am now is rewarding. Life is great!

What I think many who commit suicide think, and I know this from who I have worked with, is that suicide is a reset button. No, no brother it is your final red button that blows up your chance of ever seeing another sunrise. If there is a spirit world, then it is a one-way ticket. I ain't ready. Suicide is shutting the door forever to life in this existence. I love too much about this existence and know my blessings.

I really believe that if we could talk to Anthony now, he would say "Oh, shit I do not want this. Now I understand so bring me back."

Anyway, life is precious and I want as much of it as possible. I believe Anthony Bourdain did too but did not see the forest for the trees. There's more to it but now I got some music to play! Hope to see you at Grumps!

-- Dave

34

Dave,

Oh boy.

First off, thanks for taking the time to write all that out. And for wearing your heart on your sleeve in public. I do that too. I have very little problem being very vocal about my issues, because maybe it can help someone else...and I'm positive you feel the same way, because that's the kind of guy you are.

Secondly, I could have written most of your post.
I've never had a panic attack in my life, but my wife gets them. I seem to have went right to "anxiety disorder"- also called "generalized anxiety disorder"- and I am also a Type-A personality. For me, it's been 25 years of chronic tension headaches (so bad that I almost go to the hospital to beg for morphine- anything- just make me UNCONSCIOUS. ) Then, neck and shoulder and upper back pain began happening along with it. Causing lack of sleep with complicates EVERYTHING. Then digestive disorders. Long story short, I've had every test there is, there's nothing physically wrong with me, and all of it is being caused by anxiety.

I have never really tried meds. The doc Rx'ed amiltriptaline (which has to be taken every day, so I refused), Xanax (which helps a little for acute episodes BUT I now refuse that too... long story, but it has to do with the state of NJ and it's firearms laws)... I too, being Type-A, thought "I'll fix this myself". And with the help of books, self-reflection, some meditation, and bi-weekly deep-tissue massage, I was doing very well! For like a YEAR I didn't have many of the bad headaches, they were mostly mild, and less frequent, and I required little to no meds to short-circuit them. It was looking up!

And yes- I know ALL about GABA. Even studied how to boost it by natural means. Long story short on that one, you ARE your thoughts. You are the QUALITY of your thoughts. Your own thoughts can boost GABA. It's easier said then done of course. That's a whole conversation unto itself.

Then my sister-in-law had a stroke. Then my dog died. My mom had a cancer scare. One of my best friends had stage 3 ovarian cancer, and then my father-in-law died, which sent my wife spiraling into a deep depression. (she's better now, but at the 9-month mark I had to "bully" her into seeking therapy.) A therapist is the one doc I haven't yet seen, mostly because I figured I can talk myself through something- and to date, I have proven myself right, most of the time.

All this led to a gradual buildup in my own symptoms again, until I got a 3-day severe headache, actually inside of a 1-week headache. Sleep gave only some relief. Wake up, there it is again.

I can say this: none of this, for me, is depression related. I get depressed occasionally like everyone does, but for me it's more of a chronic pain thing. Chronic pain caused by my MENTAL state. But... during my recent "episode" I described above, while I would never consider taking my own life (unless maybe I was already on my deathbed with a terminal illness), I told my wife "I understand how people can have those thoughts. This constant pain is unbearable- and I won't become addicted to opioids like so many have- and it changes my personality (the pain does) to where I am not myself, if I knew I would have to live with this every day (or even most days) of my life.... I understand. It's not a life."

Luckily, with massage and the things I said above, I seem to have a handle on it, even tho there are of course setbacks. The good far outweighs the bad.

As for Bourdain, I saw a short report a couple days ago, apparently he WAS seeing a therapist because he actually filmed part of one of his visits for his TV show. And I am currently re-reading his 1st book, Kitchen Confidential, and it's obvious he is eaten up with various neuroses, lack of self-worth being a big one. I didn't really notice it the 1st time I read it, because at that point he was ANTHONY BOURDAIN, and I figured he must have moved past all that stuff or he wouldn't have gotten where was today. I now know that you never really get past ALL that stuff.

Several books have helped me greatly, with my anxiety/worry (as I said, depression isn't really a thing with me), but I'll list a few in case you are interested, that really helped me with the anxiety/worry thing:

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F&*K
-brilliant. A good place to start, as it's written in a very... pedestrian... way; it's not a psych self-help written by a pysch doc. It's a "common mans" book. I found it very helpful, and re-read it periodically (I actually re-read all of these periodically).

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living -the ultimate book on worry, imo. Dale Carnegie was a genius well before his "How to win friends and influence people" put him on the map. This book was before that one, and it's BETTER, imo.

The next 2 go hand-in-hand, read in order: The Peaceful Warrior (which is a story) No Ordinary Moments (which is the "explanation" "how-to" for what happened in The Peaceful Warrior

The Tao Te Ching now... THIS one... first off, I can't say I have gotten alot from THIS one; it's very difficult to read, and much of it is written in "profound riddles" lol. BUT... it, and the philosophy (it's not a religion) it explains is where ALL this other stuff comes from; it's the SOURCE. Every book on "living in the moment", "mindfulness" (which is the buzzword these days), ALL of comes from Tao. Tao is the source.

Something else that has helped me.... and alot will find this funny.... Steve Vai interviews. There are alot of them on youtube... he's not talking about guitar or even music; he's actually talking about thoughts and how you are your thoughts. It's all about the energies invovled. Which sent me down another rabbit hole. When you have time, do some browsing thru his youtube interviews, I think you will find some very interesting stuff in there.

"Whatever you really really want- you get. And whatever you really really DON'T want- you get." -Steve Vai

Well, I guess that'll do LOL. I can tell if we ever got together, we'd be up all night talking about this stuff! I am planning on being at Grumps. It's on the calendar. Just hoping for decent weather! Hoping Curt has my #1 tele done (refretted) by then! But I'll be bringing my Thinline Cabronita with T-90s anyway, I thought you might be interested in that one.

This is the video that started it all for me...

-Eric


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