Miscellaneous Rumbles

gimme some jokes

1

I tried marijuana once but I didn't know what I was doing I was on cocaine (love that one)

This baby was born with no eyelids so the doctor said "we'll transplant some of he's foreskin" He's mum said "you can't do that he'll be cockeyed" and the doctor replies "yeah but think of the foresight he'll have"

2

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

3

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

4

Have you seen the new "Rolling Stones" Monopoly game? It's different than regular Monopoly. This one, you keep on playing until you're well into your 70's.

5

These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

  1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  2. I would not allow this student to breed.

  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  7. This child has been working with glue too much.

  8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

  10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

  11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

6

A termite walks into a tavern and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

7

Emo Phillips has this long joke that I've always liked, it sums up human nature.

So, I'm walking across the Golden Gate bridge and I see this guy getting ready to jump. I try to stop him or delay long enough to put film in my camera.

I shout out, "Hey you, don't do that".

He turned around, you've heard about the elephant man? This guy had the head of a horse"

I asked him why he was going to kill himself.

He replied, "look at me, people call me names and noone loves me".

I say, "Hold on, Mr. Ed, sorry, but God loves you."

He replies there is no God. I ask if he thought that random molecules got together with the sense of humour to make him look like that. He agrees.

I ask him, "Surely you must have been raised with a religion, which one?

He replies" I'm a Christian."

I reply, "Small world, me too, What franchise are you? Protestant, Catholic?"

He says, "I'm a Protestant"

"Wow", I exclaim, "Me too! What flavor?"

"I was baptized Methodist", he tells me.

"Wow !. me too, what are the odds, Are you reformed Methodist or Orthodox?"

He replies" I'm reformed"

"Wow, I can't believe it, me too!" I answer excitedly," Council of 1852 or 1912 ?".

He replies, "Council of 1912".

So I sceam out, "DIE HERETIC", and shoved him off the bridge.

8

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

9

So, this baby seal walks into a club.......

10

Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender says "where'd you get that?" Frog says "it started out as a wart on my but."

11

I was complemented on my driving the other day. Somebody left a note on my windscreen which read "parking fine."

12

I tried snorting Coke once, I damn near drowned.

13

why did Mickey divorce Minnie? she was 'n Goofy

14

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave til its bill withers.

15

Where do you hide pot from a hippy? under the soap

whats the difference between a harley and a hoover? the location of the dirtbag

16

I finished my first marathon last week.

I had tried before but always changed the chanel after the first commercial

17

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his straps fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Ole?" asks Sven.

"Jeez, Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Ole. "Me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

18

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside ;-)

19

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hippies don't screw in light bulbs; hippies screw in Volkswagen vans.

20

el bonedido, that joke was originally written about Porsche drivers, rather than BMW drivers. Hmmm...perhaps it was hitting too close to home?

21

Pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel in his pants, bartender asks if he know about the wheel

Arrrr, it's driving me nuts.....

22

"BMW" has a better rhythm. "por-ca-pine ann-a bee-em-dub-a-yuh."

23

This is one of my favorites (from lotsofjokes.com but I've heard many different versions)

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

24

Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

25

What does a stripper do to her assh*le before going to work?

Give him his drum sticks and drop him off at practice.

How many Ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

9, one to drop it and the other 8 to yell "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"


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