1 Proteus 1 month ago I shall vent.Ordered A Thing last Sunday. Really wanted The Thing. Wanted to be one of the first to get The Thing. It was going to be (one of the) last Things I ever buy, like in my whole life.They said it would ship on Monday, which I didn't believe for a minute. But it did ship on Monday, with delivery predicted for today, the 25th of September. I followed the tracking all week like a obsessive-compulsive. • Picked up in Ventura CA at 5:14 pm Monday, left there at 8:31. • Arrived Bloomington CA 6:39 AM on Tues 22, left at 12:45 pm. • Next seen in Nashville, 2:04 pm Thurs 24 (why'd that take two days?), • leaving at 10:57 for the 3-hour jaunt to Evansville. • Arrived Evansville at 5:03 AM today, and shown as on truck and out for delivery at 5:10 AM. Yay! On schedule. Great! Gonna have some fun tonight! I built my day around being home with the doors open to be sure and hear the truck. By 3:00 I've started to wonder, because believe it or not, FedEx DOES know how to deliver to me (there are several doors with several addresses and it can confuse), and they're usually here by then. I know what door they come to. The door was open and I was 15 feet away. OK, maybe 25. I put fresh batteries in the doorbells yesterday and they all work.At 3:28 I check Reverb tracking AGAIN, and there's a Carrier Issue notification. Never seen one of those. Check FedEx's site, and at 3:19 they'd changed the status to "Customer not available or business closed."Well, la connerie, mon amis. I was RIGHT HERE. They couldn't've driven a truck down my street then without my hearing it, much less parked near the building and crunched through the gravel (which I also would have heard). I checked all doors and mailboxes, and no form notice.Wellsir, I don't mind telling you I was 'oppin' mad, I was. So what I does, is, I looks up FedEx's customer service number online and calls'em right up! I punch the recorded-message phone-tree numbers on the iPhone like this was all its fault, entering the option that most nearly matched my issue (they didn't have "you bastards ought to be strung from the yardarms") AND the tracking number, to which Automatelle crooned something about they'd tried to deliver and no one was home, and they'll be back Monday.So I yelled, is what I did, barking into the phone REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE until Automatina asked "You want to speak to a customer service representative, is that correct?" DAMN RIGHT IT IS, you dull-witted digital dunce.A few recordings of assurance that FedEx cared for me later, my ears are blessed and soothed by the wispy and mellifluous lilting voice of what must be the fairest delicate flower of Indian maidenhood, willing and anxious to help me. Undaunted by the image of dark sari'd beauty the voice conjures in my boiling brain, I forge ahead with what had to be obvious stress lines of self-righteous, wounded victimhood and outrage in my voice, briefly outlining the "problem" and assuring her I WAS here, with the DOORS open, and fresh batteries in the DOORbells, and was purdurn SURE no FedEx functionary had been within a block of my address at the date and time in question (now barely 15 minutes past), and I wanting to know where in HELL my package was, and you need to call that guy and send him right back here with The Thing, because I know he has a cell phone in the truck, don't insult me by pretending otherwise.THAT'S tellin'em, right? She did some checking and allowed as how there'd been a (melodious but unintelligible), and the package was going back to the facility for re-delivery on Monday. Clarify please? WHAT was the issue? Still lovely to listen to but, between utterly charming accent and the musical sing-song, completely unintelligible. Seems maybe (garble garble flutter) it hadn't really been on the truck this morning after all, and would be coming Monday. "So why does the status message reflect that you tried to deliver and I wasn't here...when I AM here, and you DIDN'T try to deliver?"The fairest flower of sultry Indian maidenhood may have said that it was just the code the driver happened to punch in...when, what, I wondered...he came to this address because it was on his run list, and found he didn't have The Thing on the truck?Something like that, she agreed to whatever she had misunderstood from whatever I had said in response to whatever I had only partially heard of what she had said while trying to follow her customer service script in English as a second language.I don't know whether this was FedEx's corporate intention or not (leave us alone so we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, with your package and YOU CANNOT TALK TO ANYONE WHO CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT), but by this point I'd accepted the futility of getting a straight answer. Was I going to say, "put me on with your supervisor's supervisor's supervisor, someone in the US who speaks English, AND has the authority and wherewithal to actually address the situation?"I was not.And if The Thing really wasn't on the bus (I thought that 7-minute turnaround in Evansville this morning seemed too clockwork efficient), that may have been asking someone to bend reality anyway. I get it. Blood from turnips. What, did I want them to make a special trip from Evansville here, tonight, just for me? Well...yeah!So, Monday. It's great to have something to look forward to.